Taking Up Space… Or Not

Do you want to be seen, or invisible?
Do you hate to be taking up space?

Do you hide, or shine?

My good friend and spiritual sister at The Magnificent Me Project got me thinking about visibility. (She’s writing an eBook on it!)

Being a plus-sized woman, being 5ft10 and a plus-sized personality to match it, in the past I have found it hard to NOT be seen. To not shine, be in the limelight, or not be noticed.

IT WASN’T ALWAYS LIKE THAT (disclaimer… it still isn’t)

I have worked really fucking hard to allow myself to be visible.
I took a long time to do this. I was proud of how far I’d come.

SO WHY AM I TRYING TO HIDE TODAY? (Feb 27th 2021) I’ll get to it in a minute…

Let me give you the back story.
When I was younger, I didn’t want to be noticed. (I know… That was me!)

This was the reigning theme in my head:
You don’t want to draw attention to yourself.

The most ridiculous thing? PEOPLE WILL NOTICE YOU BECAUSE OF YOUR SIZE.

And what they’ll notice more?
That you’re trying to hide.

You suck in your stomach, slouch your shoulders, crease your body inwards to be ignored and not noticed.
To be left alone. Because the alternative isn’t fun.

I have honestly been called out a lot for my weight.

Yes, I know I’m fat.
Yes, I know I take up space.
Yes, I should stop shoving cake in my face.
Thank you for reminding me I’m taking up too much oxygen in your vicinity.

Working on myself took the sting out of these. But they still hurt.
I built up a thick skin. But it still continued to puncture my armour.

I finally learned to accept the word fat for what it is.
A word. It’s a descriptor.
Like tall, long-haired, brown-eyed, small teeth, little ears, big feet.
You get it.

I have been ok with this word, and all the connotations of fatness bias and fatphobia for a while now.

I’m a huge (pun intended) advocate of body positivity — ALL body posi stuff.
I’m also very British and self-deprecating.
So yes, I will roast myself before anyone else does.

I stand proud in my skin, knowing I have a wealth of experiences that made my body the way it is today.

So why, on the 27th of February 2021, am I finding myself shrinking away from people? I’m visibly trying to hide from others around me.

WHY?
Because it’s a motherfucking PANDEMIC and people are Tools.

I was so shocked that I’d noticed I’d gone back into my old patterns of not wanting to be noticed.
To be able to (well, attempt to) slip by people, that they’d give me a wide berth because I am visibly uncomfortable at them noticing me and gravitating towards me.

The weirdest and most annoying thing? Is that people AREN’T doing this! They are veering closer to you, they are taking up space.

I know why, and while I don’t like that people are not paying attention to personal space right now, I understand.
We are going through unprecedented times, where we can chat with our friends, but we can’t touch them.
We can’t just tap someone on the shoulder to say “excuse me” while grabbing a pint of milk.
We want connection as it’s been denied to us for so long now.

NO TOUCHY!

So, back to my outrage.

I was utterly gobsmacked that I am now avoiding people.
Those of you who know me, I’m very tactile.
I’m also a people magnet.
I apparently give off “come and talk to me” vibes, but this also means I make friends easily, and put people at ease as well.

I did not want the grandad that is walking his dogs to step too close to me.

I did not want the family out for a spot of geese watching to let their toddler veer so near to me in the wonder of the world around her.

I did not want the 2 friends on their socially distanced walk together to take up the whole pathway so I have to jump on the grass and track through the mud. (Ok this one is more that they pissed me off… But still)

This was so familiar, yet so alien to me.
I felt a bit like a walking juxtaposition.

So here I am, writing about it.
I’m still having weird feelings about it.
I love taking up space.
I am a rebel at heart, and I like to poke the bear.
I want people to notice me.
I want the limelight.
But right now… I also don’t.

How are you feeling about taking up space with all of this going on?